The 4th light.

My kids are my life. Literally. If I didn't' have them I would be lost. I forget that sometimes. Like when they broke the fourth candle light in the window in two weeks. Two weeks. Four lights. Mommy patience gone.

Or like when I constantly lose my patience. Snot all over the couches anyone? Crumbs dropped on the floor after I just swept and mopped. Or the pieces of snacks that somehow get all over the house.

((Somehow? ))I know how. There is always food stuck to my kids somewhere that I dont' see (ie: their butt, their thighs, a roll in their pants) and it makes its way around my once clean home, to prove that two little toddlers live here. In case anyone might forget. Or to prove to the world that it doesn't matter how often I clean (try to clean), my home will always look like I haven't. Brett will always wonder what I do all day. I will always wonder what I do all day. That's when I start to wonder why I dont' have a real job. One where I actually do something.

Why am I not one of those moms who have it all together? Who's house always looks like a maid just left, has her kids sitting nicely at the table practicing preschool work, and newly made crafts hanging from the fridge and the smell of a homemade meal is wafting through the air? Why can't that be me? Why do I always feel like I am one step behind? Like my kids need more from me. Like I am not up to par?

I know why. It's this darn blogging world. I can see all these countless other moms doing awesome things with their kids, just another way to compare myself. Uh. Comparing. How can you not? I'm just thankful my kids are still blind and love me no matter what. Look up to me. Dont' care if other moms are doing cooler crafts, activities with their kids. They still think that whatever I do with them is the best. No matter what it is. Well, most of the time anyway :)

Just being there with them is enough right? I mean, actually being there. In the moment. That's what important, not what we are doing. But that I am there, totally there with them. (dont get me wrong, I'm not there all the time. There are many times my head is somewhere else...but I try...I try. I should try some more).

If I didn't have my kids... then I would really feel lost. Like whatever job I was doing wasn't as important as being a mother. I would long for dirty floors and hectic days filled with the noises of toddlers running around. I would long for something with real importance in my life, raising a family, not whatever job I would have. That would go out the window. I would be teaching, but I know the whole time I would thinking I dont' want to only be helping these other kids, I want my own kids to help. And I would give anything to be at home with my children.

I am thankful for my gift of motherhood. That I get to experience this. Because, this too will pass, and I will long once again for the days of two little toddlers running around my house. When they are grown and out every night with their friends instead of asking to snuggle on the couch , making something of themselves instead of crafts at home, having fun with friends and not with me, I will long for these days.

I dont' want to get so caught up in the little things that dont' matter (uh hum, four candle lights) and forget about the million of little things that do matter. It's always the little things. The "I love you Mommy" all throughout the day for no reason. The little kid laughs. The non-stop questions about the world. The climbing up on my lap. The snuggles, the hugs, the smiles, the remarks, and on and on.

I've got two of my own little things that matter more than anything in the world. I love my Sadie, my Bryer.

I love that I had to buy four candle lights. That I don't have four perfect candles in my window. It's perfect having one candle broken at all times. Wouldn't have it any other way.

(I'll probably cry when my kids are older and I do have four perfect candles in my windows)